For Example (Part 4)

First, to those of you in the U.S., and to Americans abroad, Happy Thanksgiving!  I extend special thanks and prayers to servicemen and women around the globe who have left behind the company of family and friends in order to help make all our lives safer and happier…  

Yesterday, The Fixer compared alternative drafts of a letter of resignation, noting first that the original draft was “perfectly adequate … better than most.” 

But it’s instructive to mention a few simple changes that might have been made to the original draft, without going to the extreme of producing a major revision: 

• Note that the word “I” is less-emphasized in the revision.  Starting paragraphs, sentences or phrases with the word “I” can make the reader feel that the writer is concerned only with himself (* or “herself … see note below).  Both versions use “I” four times, by the way.  Often sentences can be reconfigured to transform “I” into “my” – a word that doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb in a block of text.

• “2 week notice” should be “two-week notice” – hyphenated because it’s a compound adjective, with the numeral spelled out (as numbers 1-10 should be).

• Does it make much practical difference if a person is “very” grateful, and not just “grateful?”  This mundane adverb can be deleted in almost every instance; it usually contributes little, with the possible exception of pacing – making a sentence “sound” right to the ear.  (The late writing guru, William Safire, once wrote that he was instructed, as a young reporter, to insert the word “damn” whenever tempted to use “very” so that editors would automatically delete the profanity, at the same time improving the copy.

• About “the past four and a half years” … first, delete the redundant word “past,” since it’s obvious the “next” four and a half years are not what’s being discussed.

• Further, refer to either “four” or “five” years.  A child can say he’s 4-1/2 years old, but adults don’t refer to themselves as 32-1/2 years old.

• And, since most word-processing software butchers the task of printing fractions, either use the “1-1/2” format, or simply round to the nearest full year (alternatively, 18 months might be appropriate).

• Finally, I failed to draw attention yesterday to a MAJOR oversight in the original draft that was corrected in the revision: The author redundantly referred to the burden of “my LPN position” and “my commitment to Municipal Hospital” when trying to allude to a job vs. personal-life conflict.  How often do we think we know what we’ve written, then find out later (often too much later) that what we’ve written is just totally wrong?  Lesson for today: Read important copy, re-read it later with a fresh eye, and then have a friend or associate review it once more.  This won’t eliminate errors … just 99.44% of the most embarrassing ones.

Is this an exercise in nit-picking?  Well, perhaps.  But consider whether this seven-minute “mini-revision” isn’t a marked improvement:

This letter is a two-week notice of resignation.  I will miss the nurses and other staff here at Municipal Hospital, but the challenges of being an LPN, student and wife have grown too great.  Thank you for the incredible opportunities, knowledge and experience you have provided in my four years here. 

* Political correctness aside, when talking about "he" and "she" in the abstract, use the masculine form – a child talks about himself, or a writer thinks about himself unless the child/writer is identified specifically as a female.

 
Next: Briefly

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